I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
