be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
