I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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