Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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