Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
