He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
