Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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