This girl is more easily done than said...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
