Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
