oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
