Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
