I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
