i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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