How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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