So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize