you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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