i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
