New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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