At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
