Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
