We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
