Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
