Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize