I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
