be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
