im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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