He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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