My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
