some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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