you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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