my phone needs a breathalizer
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
