for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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