my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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