if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
