So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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