what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
