We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
