We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
