I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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