Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I've blown a few things in my day
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
