You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize