Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize