Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
