Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
