and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
