I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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