this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
