that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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