So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
