I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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