I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize