Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
