Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
