if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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