I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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