i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
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