I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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