Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
