i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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