i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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