If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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