I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
