I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
50% drunk capacity currently
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize